The continuing role of a mother.

I spent last evening with my daughter at OU in Athens.  She's starting on her fourth year now.   She's grown up so much.   It was the first time that just the two of us have been able to hang out together in a very long time.   As I sat there at dinner,  I just listened.   No longer the youngster going off into the big world, I realized she was not in need of my "motherly" advice or comments.    I knew that she was quite capable of figuring out things for herself now.  As I just sat and listened, it made me wonder what my role is now that she's an adult.    This new and strange part of letting her grow up has left me feeling a little left out; just the bystander.

I guess that's what we want in life; for our children to grow up able to take care of themselves and lead their lives.   Funny that when it comes, we miss all the days where they were dependent on us for their every need.   I'm not sure I fully enjoyed those years as they were happening.     No longer the caretaker, I must re-evaluate my role.      I am a little bewildered on what that is right now.   It is an awkward transition.    Am I just a friend now?    Do I have any more clout than her friends and roommates?    I just don't know.

I have found that one role has not changed for me; that of the praying mother.    This seems to be a consistent part of my life.  Never having been a person who likes change, I'm good with that.   Even though I've seen how mature she has become, I still worry about all aspects of her life;  health, career, love interests...    I guess I will always have this role.   I have not found a phase of motherhood yet, that didn't call for prayer.

I remember when my daughter was first born.    We  had only been home a few days.   Both sets of grandparents were there.   Refering to how fragile a newborn seems, I'll never forget the laughter that came when I made the comment,  "I can't wait till she's old enough so I don't feel like I have to worry so much!"     Yes, I get it.   Being a parent means always caring and worrying about those wonderful little beings that were placed in our lives.    All I can say is, what a priveledge! 

Elusive Good-Night's Sleep

I've been sharing my dilemma with several women my age. Why is it that I cannot sleep all the way through the night any more? Ah, yes. I've reached that glorious age! Dare I say it? Premenopausal. Yikes. Yes, when the hormones are all out of whack. Things like hot flashes are all too familiar, and a good night's sleep is a faint memory from our youth.

I just love the commercial on TV for the sleep aid pill. It's the one where the rooster is sitting at the end of her bed staring at a woman in the middle of the night. That pretty much explains the syndrome; wide awake as if it were morning and time to get up.

I guess this is nothing new, though. From my conversations with other women, this seems to be all our plight as we age. The last time I woke up in the middle of the night, I thought, "So, THIS is why the Proverbs 31 woman got so much done!" Yep, the Proverbs 31 woman. You know, the one who was so virtuous? The one who got up while it was still dark? (Pro. 31:15) Now I know why!

So, I guess I'll just accept it. It's as old as the hills, this process of growing older and all that comes with it. Even women as far back as Bible times had this problem. I don't think I'll chose to get up and be productive, like the Proverbs 31 woman. No, I'll still keep trying to get that elusive good-night's sleep...and till then, I'm thankful for my little TV!

Choices

So, lately, I've been thinking a lot about choices. Mainly I am going through a stage in my life where I rethink my responses to things. I realize that I no longer have to be bound by my innate negative disposition to just say the first thing that comes to my head. I am forced to view myself from the outside because of the internet. Being forced to see myself through a snapshot image as the world sees me is quite unnerving, but enlightening at the same time. "Is that what I look like?"

I started writing this blog to actually share this whole introspect process. Too much of my life has been spent dwelling at the bottom of a cesspool of negative thoughts. To break lose from this pattern has truly been an act of God. Whenever I find inspiration, I know it's not in me to think that way, it has to be God-inspired, so I write it down to share and to remember. Though the steps are little and far in between, I am using those baby steps to go forward.

When I stretched my horizons to include Facebook, I found myself wondering what to say about my life. I mostly joined to reconnect with old classmates. I am now faced with the choice, how do I want people to see me? I have a choice. I can be the old, negative Carol, or choose to make positive comments. It's like I had to re-evaluate who I am. Now, I don't mean to mislead people to think that I am something I am not. I simply want to choose to show more positive aspects of who I am. Is that deceitful? I really don't think people want to know my every pessimistic response. For lack of anything better to post, I put down nothing. What are my interests? What do I like? These are things I am re-evaluating now. Although my life doesn't seem to have been anything noteworthy on my website, does that mean my life is not important?

The choices I'm wondering about are whether or not to change my life direction; who I am, what things I follow after. Should I take up a new hobby or join a cause? Or, should I change the opinion I have of the life I live? Because, although I might want to be someone different, can I change on my own just because I want to? If I were meant to live like someone else, wouldn't I have done it before now at age 48? What are my real choices? For years I have resented that I became ill and had to drop out of art college. Why am I so disillusioned about that? Would I have been any happier? What if God knew that I would be happier with the life I have now? Maybe I dodged a bullet. Why do I think my life doesn't measure up compared to everyone else's?

Life is definitely about choices. The ones I made shaped the life I have now. When I look back, I don't think I really would have changed any of them. I chose to pursue an associates degree in computer science and not go back into art. I chose to marry and live here instead of going off in pursuit of a job in the big city. I chose to get a job with the schools so I could have the same days off as my daughter. I can't think of any choices that I regret at all.

So, who am I to condemn my life? I chose it. It was what was best for me. I guess I have the rest of my life to figure out what to post on Facebook as my hobbies and interests. And if I stop and consider a more positive comment over the sharp, sarcastic ones, then maybe I am changing. Maybe it's who I am chosing to become. Only time will develop that whole picture. I guess none of us are done changing, and none of us live worthless lives. What may seem mundane to some, may be enviable to others.

Again I am brought back to the cure for my depression: Count your blessings. I need to stop discrediting all the wonderful things God has given to me in this life. Some blatant, others more subtle. The choice seems so obvious now. Why did it take so long to come to me? I am blessed! It seems I have to clear away the fog in my head and my heart to hear the voice of God. I am truly blessed, and I can't wait to see what things may come! Who knows what God may have planned for me in the future? Maybe the best is yet to come! He is the author and finisher of my faith...and my life. The last page hasn't been written, so how can there be a review?

So, as I go back to thinking about my choices, I am happy that I have the wherewithal to reevaluate my auto response system from negative to more logical, positive producing actions. I will try not to worry about whether others find my life enthralling. It's my life. I'm good with that.

TV, the end of the honeymoon.

The other day, I was dusting off the living room furniture trying to make things presentable for company later in the day. I started on our 54" big screen TV, wiping it lovingly, admiring the massiveness of it. I don't know how we got along without it for so many years. The older I get, the more I like it. I don't need my glasses to see whose face is on the screen, like the little TV in the back bedroom.

The more I swiped at the large screen and frame the more I thought about how much time we spend watching it. We spend hours each evening in front of it. We watch it for hours on the weekends. Then I thought of something I hadn't thought of in a very long time. It was TV that signaled the end of our honeymoon. Twenty-five years ago, a TV, much smaller than this one, became more important than our long intimate conversations we once shared so eagerly before we were married. No, I quickly found out that this was my lot. Conversations were to be held briefly during commercials and should not be anything more than about topics immediately necessary, nothing deep and involved. Yes, TV has become more important in our lives than the once long, leisurely nights of snuggling, I'm afraid.

This was never more evident than during a power outage this past winter. My husband became irritable, like a trapped animal. He finally figured out that our small generator was just big enough to run one living room light and the small TV from the back bedroom. He was content once more. Sad.

I began to feel angry as I polished the giant, controlling monster, resenting the place it had taken in our lives. TV had stolen my perfect marriage, my dreams of an intimate relationship that grew stronger through the years. Now, I can only stand by mutely, while the volume is turned up louder and louder so that no conversations are possible at all, not even during commercials, which are by the way, louder than the regular programmed shows. This is an obvious plot to make them heard even if you leave the room to get something from the kitchen.

The only solace I have in it is the fact that I can occasionally watch a really good chick flick with my husband. It makes me feel like I've gained some of our lost emotional ties. He secretly enjoys them, but you'll never get him to admit it. He does, however, have to balance out the mix with plenty of history and war stuff. He doesn't make me watch it, although I sometimes do.

I guess in life, things don't always go the way we had imagined. It doesn't mean that's it's wrong, it just means we have to make a choice about how we deal with the emotional disillusionment. Do we accept it or fight against it? In my case, it was a concession I made. Did it mean he didn't love me anymore? I knew that was not true. So, I let TV take it's place in our lives, knowing we'd have time together eventually, just not like it was in the beginning.

So, I guess I can live with the thing that came into our lives and became a part of our marriage like an uninvited guest that refused to leave. Maybe I'll give it a name and dub it our long-lost second cousin twice removed. Or maybe I'll just accept TV is as addictive as drugs or alcohol. I'll admit I have no power over it and trust my life to a Higher Power. Whatever it is, it is here to stay!

No Easy Roads

Things were going great. It seemed like life was finally going to cut me a break. My job situation was looking up. My daughter passed another quarter at school. My stepson was just married to a beautiful, nice girl. The other stepson working hard, but has a job through this tough recession. Dad's health good other than some slight blood pressure problem. Life was looking like easy street.

I've been thinking of how I can serve God better. There are plenty of people I know that need prayers. I'd started concentrating on their needs thinking that my own life was pretty good. No need to worry. How better to serve God then to pray for others' needs? It was about Friday that I realized how wrong I was to feel so "comfortable" about my life.

It may have only been one phone call from my daughter, but it was my wake up call. Things were going so well with her visit to her brother's and his new wife. The quote, "true good to be true," plays into the twist. They were getting along so well. Then on a trip out to the karaoke bar, the new bride discovered her expensive bracelet was missing. She must have realized it after being at the bar. She asked a bartender if he'd seen it. He told her he'd given it to my daughter's friend. When the bride confronted my daughter and her friend, things went sour. They'd never seen it. Suspicions were every where. This girl, from a foreign country, newly married to a family she hardly knew now found herself in a situation of who to trust. Hurt and disappointed, she turned against her guests. To say the least, it was a horrible first impression against my daughter and her friend. Instead of a wonderful start to a new friendship with her sister-in-law, there is now a cloud of doubt and suspicion there. Not sure why the bartender would have said what he did. I have suspicions of my own against the guy. Trouble maker or thief himself?

There are things that happen in life beyond our control. It seems that there's always something out there that just wants to ruin our happiness. It's as if there's a jealous, evil entity waiting to strike whenever we let our guard down. Some call it Satan. Some call it fate. Whatever it is, I know that there is an invisible, formidable force on my side. God is always there for me to call upon. He is my vindicator.

I Samual 17:47 -- ...for the battle is the Lord's, and He will give you into our hands.

Romans 12:19 ---Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. (Lev. 19:18 - Deut. 32:35)

Deut. 32:35 -- Vengeance is Mine, and recompense; Their foot shall slip in due time.

So, whether this situation was a fluke, or a well-planned plot of Satan's to destroy our relationship with our new daughter-in-law, I believe that God can turn it around in time. She will see that we are her safety net, not a problem or plague. What Satan has meant to kill, steal and destroy, God will turn around and turn into good.

There are no easy roads in life. There is never a time when we can afford to think we don't need help, guidance, or protection from God. There is never a time in life when we don't need to trust Jesus to watch over us. I'm just thankful that when life turns into lemons, I don't have to feel victimized. Most of my life I've felt that I've had no luck, and bad things always happened to me more than anyone else. Finally, I realized that it's not my fault, and it's not under my control. I can't force any situation to be better. There are things that happen in life we have no control over. It's because of this, that I realized I will never out grow my need to depend on God.

Although it sounds like I've given up, been defeated by the situation, it's quite the contrary. I have a sense of peace, joy and expectation that I will come out on top and be victorious. Because I put my trust in Jesus, I know that I will be lead to a place I could never force my way to. He will put me upon my high places and make my enemies to be my footstool. And I will keep serving Him by praying for others' needs, because I know that Jesus' has got my back. So, fate, Satan, or whatever. Look out, because you are not going to win!

Prayer Portal?

The other day, my daughter said the most amazing thing to me. She was telling me about a friend she knows whose father has progressive Alzheimer's disease. Her friend was having a really hard time, because he's getting to the point where he doesn't remember her. She said, "Mom, would you pray for my friend? She's on my heart a lot lately .... Your prayers always seem to get answered."

I was taken aback by that comment. I don't see myself as the direct portal to answered prayer, but that's what my daughter thinks. Wow. I was flabbergasted and muttered something about being sincere when you pray. She caught me off guard. I did't know what to say. Should I have said that spending time with God and reading the Bible lets you know Him and what He would want you to pray? I wish I would have just said that prayer invites God to come into the situation. We let go and let God work. Sometimes, the best prayer is just, "God, please help them." We may not have a clue what is best in that situation, but God does. Sometimes, we think we know, but our view is so limited. It's best to let God and His infinite wisdom choose the best course of action.

I have prayed specific prayer when I have a sense of what might be helpful, something God would do to help. I go ahead and ask. I figure God will know whether or not my request is helpful. He will still decide what is best in that situation. I know that my prayers do not always get answered how I want. People still die from long-term illnesses, like cancer. I don't know why. It used to anger me, because I thought maybe my faith wasn't strong enough, but that's willful and pigheaded, as if I know what's best instead of God. I have since grown to believe there's just things we on Earth we'll never have an explanation for. We just have to let go and trust.

Prayer does effect change in people and situations. I have seen Him take certain situations and create the most wonderful, unpredictable outcomes. Prayer effects change where we let Him "do His thing" in His own way. We need to pray to allow Him into our lives and to work in every situation. No problem is too big or too small.

What would I pray for my daughter's friend? It would be wonderful if the Alzheimer's disappeared and her father was restored to his original self. I'm not sure that will happen. I will pray and ask for it, because it couldn't hurt. Ultimately, it is in God's hands. More importantly, I will pray that this girl will feel the hand of God over her life. I pray that she will find God as a father that is always there for her and will not leave her ever. Although losing her father, watching him slowly disappear is devastating, I pray she will let go of the pain and turn it over to God. It is too big for her to carry alone. I pray that she will be surrounded by people who can help her by understanding her grief. If there is a support group near her for families of Alzheimer patients, I pray she can join it. Sharing the same sorrow with others in the same type situation can be healing. I pray that friends will be there for her, just to listen or do regular things together; hanging out. Please, Lord, give her what she needs to survive this horrible loss. I lift her up to You.

Amen.

New Year's Resolutions?

It's 2009. I hear people talking about resolutions and how they stayed up to watch the New Year's hoopla. For me, it's just another day. Don't know if that comes from my school schedule where the year goes from August to August, but it just doesn't seem like the start of the year to me. Any resolutions that are made I see as a set up for a down fall. The mere law of atrophy proves that it takes way too much energy to sustain any permanent change.

It must be that the older you get the less you care about seeing another new year. The only people that I know that stayed up to welcome in the New Year were my daughter and her young college-aged friends. The rest of us old fogies went to bed! Didn't see the need to miss out on a good night's sleep.

So, as far as resolutions, I have none. Although, in the mornings before my feet hit the floor, I say a prayer to God to help me with this day to live it for His glory. I know that I may not succeed, especially without His intervention, but each day proves a new chance to let Him try to effect my life and make me a better person. I am grateful for another day. I thank Him for His graciousness that gives me hope each day.

Lamentations 3:22-26
22) It is through the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
23) They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness.
24) "The LORD is my portion," saith my soul, "Therefore will I hope in Him."
25) The LORD is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him. 26) It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.