So, lately, I've been thinking a lot about choices. Mainly I am going through a stage in my life where I rethink my responses to things. I realize that I no longer have to be bound by my innate negative disposition to just say the first thing that comes to my head. I am forced to view myself from the outside because of the internet. Being forced to see myself through a snapshot image as the world sees me is quite unnerving, but enlightening at the same time. "Is that what I look like?"
I started writing this blog to actually share this whole introspect process. Too much of my life has been spent dwelling at the bottom of a cesspool of negative thoughts. To break lose from this pattern has truly been an act of God. Whenever I find inspiration, I know it's not in me to think that way, it has to be God-inspired, so I write it down to share and to remember. Though the steps are little and far in between, I am using those baby steps to go forward.
When I stretched my horizons to include Facebook, I found myself wondering what to say about my life. I mostly joined to reconnect with old classmates. I am now faced with the choice, how do I want people to see me? I have a choice. I can be the old, negative Carol, or choose to make positive comments. It's like I had to re-evaluate who I am. Now, I don't mean to mislead people to think that I am something I am not. I simply want to choose to show more positive aspects of who I am. Is that deceitful? I really don't think people want to know my every pessimistic response. For lack of anything better to post, I put down nothing. What are my interests? What do I like? These are things I am re-evaluating now. Although my life doesn't seem to have been anything noteworthy on my website, does that mean my life is not important?
The choices I'm wondering about are whether or not to change my life direction; who I am, what things I follow after. Should I take up a new hobby or join a cause? Or, should I change the opinion I have of the life I live? Because, although I might want to be someone different, can I change on my own just because I want to? If I were meant to live like someone else, wouldn't I have done it before now at age 48? What are my real choices? For years I have resented that I became ill and had to drop out of art college. Why am I so disillusioned about that? Would I have been any happier? What if God knew that I would be happier with the life I have now? Maybe I dodged a bullet. Why do I think my life doesn't measure up compared to everyone else's?
Life is definitely about choices. The ones I made shaped the life I have now. When I look back, I don't think I really would have changed any of them. I chose to pursue an associates degree in computer science and not go back into art. I chose to marry and live here instead of going off in pursuit of a job in the big city. I chose to get a job with the schools so I could have the same days off as my daughter. I can't think of any choices that I regret at all.
So, who am I to condemn my life? I chose it. It was what was best for me. I guess I have the rest of my life to figure out what to post on Facebook as my hobbies and interests. And if I stop and consider a more positive comment over the sharp, sarcastic ones, then maybe I am changing. Maybe it's who I am chosing to become. Only time will develop that whole picture. I guess none of us are done changing, and none of us live worthless lives. What may seem mundane to some, may be enviable to others.
Again I am brought back to the cure for my depression: Count your blessings. I need to stop discrediting all the wonderful things God has given to me in this life. Some blatant, others more subtle. The choice seems so obvious now. Why did it take so long to come to me? I am blessed! It seems I have to clear away the fog in my head and my heart to hear the voice of God. I am truly blessed, and I can't wait to see what things may come! Who knows what God may have planned for me in the future? Maybe the best is yet to come! He is the author and finisher of my faith...and my life. The last page hasn't been written, so how can there be a review?
So, as I go back to thinking about my choices, I am happy that I have the wherewithal to reevaluate my auto response system from negative to more logical, positive producing actions. I will try not to worry about whether others find my life enthralling. It's my life. I'm good with that.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
TV, the end of the honeymoon.
The other day, I was dusting off the living room furniture trying to make things presentable for company later in the day. I started on our 54" big screen TV, wiping it lovingly, admiring the massiveness of it. I don't know how we got along without it for so many years. The older I get, the more I like it. I don't need my glasses to see whose face is on the screen, like the little TV in the back bedroom.
The more I swiped at the large screen and frame the more I thought about how much time we spend watching it. We spend hours each evening in front of it. We watch it for hours on the weekends. Then I thought of something I hadn't thought of in a very long time. It was TV that signaled the end of our honeymoon. Twenty-five years ago, a TV, much smaller than this one, became more important than our long intimate conversations we once shared so eagerly before we were married. No, I quickly found out that this was my lot. Conversations were to be held briefly during commercials and should not be anything more than about topics immediately necessary, nothing deep and involved. Yes, TV has become more important in our lives than the once long, leisurely nights of snuggling, I'm afraid.
This was never more evident than during a power outage this past winter. My husband became irritable, like a trapped animal. He finally figured out that our small generator was just big enough to run one living room light and the small TV from the back bedroom. He was content once more. Sad.
I began to feel angry as I polished the giant, controlling monster, resenting the place it had taken in our lives. TV had stolen my perfect marriage, my dreams of an intimate relationship that grew stronger through the years. Now, I can only stand by mutely, while the volume is turned up louder and louder so that no conversations are possible at all, not even during commercials, which are by the way, louder than the regular programmed shows. This is an obvious plot to make them heard even if you leave the room to get something from the kitchen.
The only solace I have in it is the fact that I can occasionally watch a really good chick flick with my husband. It makes me feel like I've gained some of our lost emotional ties. He secretly enjoys them, but you'll never get him to admit it. He does, however, have to balance out the mix with plenty of history and war stuff. He doesn't make me watch it, although I sometimes do.
I guess in life, things don't always go the way we had imagined. It doesn't mean that's it's wrong, it just means we have to make a choice about how we deal with the emotional disillusionment. Do we accept it or fight against it? In my case, it was a concession I made. Did it mean he didn't love me anymore? I knew that was not true. So, I let TV take it's place in our lives, knowing we'd have time together eventually, just not like it was in the beginning.
So, I guess I can live with the thing that came into our lives and became a part of our marriage like an uninvited guest that refused to leave. Maybe I'll give it a name and dub it our long-lost second cousin twice removed. Or maybe I'll just accept TV is as addictive as drugs or alcohol. I'll admit I have no power over it and trust my life to a Higher Power. Whatever it is, it is here to stay!
The more I swiped at the large screen and frame the more I thought about how much time we spend watching it. We spend hours each evening in front of it. We watch it for hours on the weekends. Then I thought of something I hadn't thought of in a very long time. It was TV that signaled the end of our honeymoon. Twenty-five years ago, a TV, much smaller than this one, became more important than our long intimate conversations we once shared so eagerly before we were married. No, I quickly found out that this was my lot. Conversations were to be held briefly during commercials and should not be anything more than about topics immediately necessary, nothing deep and involved. Yes, TV has become more important in our lives than the once long, leisurely nights of snuggling, I'm afraid.
This was never more evident than during a power outage this past winter. My husband became irritable, like a trapped animal. He finally figured out that our small generator was just big enough to run one living room light and the small TV from the back bedroom. He was content once more. Sad.
I began to feel angry as I polished the giant, controlling monster, resenting the place it had taken in our lives. TV had stolen my perfect marriage, my dreams of an intimate relationship that grew stronger through the years. Now, I can only stand by mutely, while the volume is turned up louder and louder so that no conversations are possible at all, not even during commercials, which are by the way, louder than the regular programmed shows. This is an obvious plot to make them heard even if you leave the room to get something from the kitchen.
The only solace I have in it is the fact that I can occasionally watch a really good chick flick with my husband. It makes me feel like I've gained some of our lost emotional ties. He secretly enjoys them, but you'll never get him to admit it. He does, however, have to balance out the mix with plenty of history and war stuff. He doesn't make me watch it, although I sometimes do.
I guess in life, things don't always go the way we had imagined. It doesn't mean that's it's wrong, it just means we have to make a choice about how we deal with the emotional disillusionment. Do we accept it or fight against it? In my case, it was a concession I made. Did it mean he didn't love me anymore? I knew that was not true. So, I let TV take it's place in our lives, knowing we'd have time together eventually, just not like it was in the beginning.
So, I guess I can live with the thing that came into our lives and became a part of our marriage like an uninvited guest that refused to leave. Maybe I'll give it a name and dub it our long-lost second cousin twice removed. Or maybe I'll just accept TV is as addictive as drugs or alcohol. I'll admit I have no power over it and trust my life to a Higher Power. Whatever it is, it is here to stay!
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