Time flies and stands still....

So I was just reading my last blog entry.  Really?   Was it that long ago?   It's been 9 months.  Even though some things in my life have changed this year, I realized that I'm still at the same place emotionally in my life as then.  

In the past year, I finished my first round of school at my new position.    I had worked as an elementary secretary for 12 years and now I work at the high school.    They just tore down the old building, West Elementary.  There's no going back!    As cautious as I was about the switch, I've found that kids are still kids no matter what their age and I still enjoy them.      I just don't have to be their nurse maid any more.  I've gotten to know new people and they've accepted me.  It's my new home now, and I'm feeling more comfortable.

My daughter, who thrives on a stage, had a big year.   She applied and was accepted to participate at the Festival dei Due Mondi 2010 in Spoleto, Italy with the folks from CCM.  (College Conservatory of Music at Univ. of Cincy.)    She's there right now.   Five weeks of opera singing and training.    I'm thinking it's just one of many milestones to come in her life.   I'm in awe of where her talents have taken her.   She seems to thrive in the midst of all the work, too.  She loves it.   It was a year of stretching for her dreams and finding out she may actually be able to get a hold of them.

As for me, I find myself back at the threshold looking out at life and wondering where I will be going.  I never seem to stray far.   I've never been one to stretch outside of my comfort zone.   I love familiarity.   I love being home.   I love knowing what to expect.   Maybe that's why I feel so unsettled.   I don't know what's coming next.    But the thing that keeps bringing me back to my center is knowing who is really in control of my life.   

Last night I started to look for new tunes to download on my ipod.   I kept trying to find the artist that Katie had found.   I couldn't remember his name to save my soul.  (Ha, ha.)    So, I went back to my favorite music and looked up some new tunes by my favorite group.   I really gravitate towards By The Tree, a contemporary Christian band.     I started to listen to an album I didn't have yet.   Then it hit me.   Every time I start to feel lost or alone, I find myself right back to my base; my center -- Jesus.  

Why did I think I have to worry or question things?   All I really need to know is that everything is in his hands.    Everything in my life is sculpted and shaped through his design.   Even though I sometimes feel things are changing, and that scares me, I have to accept that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing at the edge of the doorway staring into the dark, worrying that I won't be able to see where to walk.   I pray that as I grow old, I will learn how to more fully let go of my fear, take His hand and take that next step in whatever direction He leads.   I don't have to know where we're going.   I just have to know that where ever it is, it's going to be OK.   He has good planned for me.

So, again, here I stand still wondering who I am and where I'm going.  Still wondering what my role is in this life.   Still hoping I get it right.    I just hope I don't forget to enjoy where I am along the way!

The continuing role of a mother.

I spent last evening with my daughter at OU in Athens.  She's starting on her fourth year now.   She's grown up so much.   It was the first time that just the two of us have been able to hang out together in a very long time.   As I sat there at dinner,  I just listened.   No longer the youngster going off into the big world, I realized she was not in need of my "motherly" advice or comments.    I knew that she was quite capable of figuring out things for herself now.  As I just sat and listened, it made me wonder what my role is now that she's an adult.    This new and strange part of letting her grow up has left me feeling a little left out; just the bystander.

I guess that's what we want in life; for our children to grow up able to take care of themselves and lead their lives.   Funny that when it comes, we miss all the days where they were dependent on us for their every need.   I'm not sure I fully enjoyed those years as they were happening.     No longer the caretaker, I must re-evaluate my role.      I am a little bewildered on what that is right now.   It is an awkward transition.    Am I just a friend now?    Do I have any more clout than her friends and roommates?    I just don't know.

I have found that one role has not changed for me; that of the praying mother.    This seems to be a consistent part of my life.  Never having been a person who likes change, I'm good with that.   Even though I've seen how mature she has become, I still worry about all aspects of her life;  health, career, love interests...    I guess I will always have this role.   I have not found a phase of motherhood yet, that didn't call for prayer.

I remember when my daughter was first born.    We  had only been home a few days.   Both sets of grandparents were there.   Refering to how fragile a newborn seems, I'll never forget the laughter that came when I made the comment,  "I can't wait till she's old enough so I don't feel like I have to worry so much!"     Yes, I get it.   Being a parent means always caring and worrying about those wonderful little beings that were placed in our lives.    All I can say is, what a priveledge!