Chasing After Jesus

This week has been very stressful. There are situations at work that have me twisted in knots. Without going into specifics, there are decisions to be made about jobs. I am torn. There is a lot of unrest and anxiety in the entire district. There is a lot of talk; talk about prospects, talk about outcomes, and talk of dissension. By the end of this week, we'll see what it all culminates into.

It is hard to maintain any clarity right now. I have prayed, read scriptures, talked with other people...trying to come to any conclusion about a clear path. I cannot figure out why sometimes it's so easy to hear from God, and other times, there's just silence. I wonder if it is due to the lack of peace in my soul; if somehow my receptor or antennae has static interference.

I find myself awake everyday before dawn breaks; before the birds even awake. I lie and stare at the wall. When it is evident that there is no more rest, I get up and start the day. I study scriptures. I pray. I try my darnedest to reach out to God. I tell myself He's there. I tell myself I'm not alone. I tell myself he would never leave me.

With my heart already racing like a gerbil in a cage anyway, I decided I may as well head for the treadmill upstairs and just walk till I'm exhausted. Maybe if I wear myself out, I will be able to rest; to find peace.

My treadmill is not the latest in technology. It's not even motorized. It runs on a flywheel. So, it's a little like pushing a lawnmower...uphill. It gets the job done. I can break a sweat in less than 5 minutes on it. "Sweating is good," I thought. "Maybe I can sweat the toxins from stress out of my body." I was determined to push on!

I also like to listen to my favorite radio station while I "mow." We have been blessed to have a couple of really great Christian contemporary stations in our area. I usually listen to 92.7 FM out of Zanesville. Still my attempt to "stay my mind on things above." But even that didn't seem to satisfy the soul.

And then it hit me. I saw myself as the woman in the crowd, trying to push through; trying to catch up, but He keeps moving away. His back is towards me, and the people keep crowding in front of me. I can see myself, pushing through, chasing after Jesus. I am desperate, knowing it is only Him that can heal me; knowing it's my only hope, my only chance. I am reaching, fingers stretched out. If only I can touch his garment, I will be healed. I will have peace. Oh, why won't he slow down? How am I going to catch up? I'll never make it! Tears are streaming down my face at this time. I am consumed by my grief and want to curl up into a ball of despair, but I still keep grasping.

So many times in my life, I've felt Jesus was as near as a whisper. How could this situation make me feel so far away? So left behind? I know that the Bible states He will never leave us or abandon us. Yet, here I am, like a lost child, alone and confused. It is during times like this that I have to remind myself of what I've learned.

Fear is an all consuming emotion. Yet, it seems that there are times it cannot be avoided. I know that I must hang onto what the Bible declares as true. He will never leave or forsake me. Fear involves torment, and perfect love casts out fear. Jesus is that perfect love. I must hang onto only those thoughts. All things work together for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. I pray that I will stay in His will and be used for His purpose. I must base my decisions on trust, not fear. Even if it means accepting things I don't want to accept. I know that I only think I have control over my life. But a man can only plan his path, and the Lord directs his steps. I must let go, and let God.

Someday, I will be able to look back on this and probably wonder why it was such a big deal. You know what they say, "Hind sight is 20/20." But for now, I'm just going to have to focus my sights on Jesus. I know I'm going to reach Him soon. Peace, clarity and that all too familiar whisper. He knows. He hears. He waits for me to catch up. I'm almost there.