It was during one of my fits of self disgust that I dove into cleaning the house. Anger is a great motivator to clean...all that energy. I also thinks it's a way to reclaim territory or assert some control over life when other things seem out of control. Some people drink; I cleaned.
During my burst of restoring order, I was picking up my shoes and shoving them into my closet. The only problem was that one of the shoes kept falling back out. I would grab it up and jam it back in. It would fall out again. I'd repeat the process, only I was in such a hurry, I would just pick it up and almost throw it at the closet each time missing the rack. I was almost irrational and definitely not thinking clearly, if at all.
Then it happened. A calm voice I could only hear in my head said, "You're trying too hard." Too calm, too rational to be my own thoughts, I wondered, "What? Where'd that come from?" I had heard the Christian lady at work talk about how God talked to her. Was this what it was like? It had to be, because it was not me. And it struck me somehow that the voice was not just talking about the shoe, but my whole approach to "being Christian." I was in such a hurry to be perfect, I was trying to "shove" myself into this perfect image I had of what a Christian should be. It just didn't seem right that I could become a Christian in an instant by accepting Jesus into my heart, but I couldn't change my actions at the same speed. My spirit was saved, but my soul, that selfish, self-willed part of me, didn't always do what it should.
I guess I will always be a sinner in need of help. That's why God sent his son to die for me. He knew I could never do it on my own; live righteously, that is. I could never "force" myself to be perfect. Guess Paul said it all in Romans:
Romans 7:14 -25
14) We know that the Law is spiritual. But I am merely a human, and I have been sold as a slave to sin. 15) In fact, I don't understand why I act the way I do. I don't do what I know is right. I do the things I hate. 16) Although I don't do what I know is right, I agree that the Law is good. 17) So I am not the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them.
18) I know that my selfish desires won't let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. 19) Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong. 20) And so, if I don't do what I know is right, I am no longer the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them.
21) The Law has shown me that something in me keeps me from doing what I know is right. 22) With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. 23) But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. 24) What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? 25) Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me....
As I look around now, I see that my house hasn't really had that good of a cleaning in a long time. Truth is, I just haven't been all that angry! I've found a peace and contentment that comes from knowing that it's not about being perfect. It's about a relationship with God. Like any friendship, it develops over time. ...taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.
Psalm 34:8 Amplified Bible
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